Broken but still Whole

Do I have the courage to pray that God, please truly break me till not a single bit human strength is left in me? That I can truly say please God, take over? 

Will I break and still be anchored in the hope of God or will I sink into despair? 

Then this thought came... 

The reason why I always seem to be struggling and that trials are getting more and more difficult is because it's getting harder to break me. I don't even know if that's a good thing or not. I guess it means I am strong in a sense but does it also mean I rely too heavily on my human nature and what I can do? Oh Lord, please let me be so attuned to you and the promptings of the Holy Spirit. I got reminded of what my grandmother told me when I was young. She related that whenever my father was disciplined as a kid, he bottled everything inside and refused to cry or breakdown even when caned. The more he bottled it up and forced himself not to cry, the harder my grandparents hit him till the point he broke and cried. The reason I was told was because it wasn't healthy for him to put up a strong front and bottle everything in. They had to force him to breakdown to let it out. Is that what God is doing too? It hurts Him to challenge me over and over everyday, but for my own good, I have to be pushed to the point where I break? 

Is it wrong to have perseverance? Where is the line between preserving and just being stubborn? How do I know if I am striving on believing I can do it in the Lord or just pushing on because I need to prove my human self? 

Costume Change, New Script, New Stage, Curtain Call.

How often do we look at a strong person and see the weaknesses that lie beneath? Those silent cries for help? 

How often do we look at a happy person and see the sadness that lurks beneath? The broken pieces that piece the smile you see?

Maybe there isn't a strong person or a happy person. 

Maybe we are all actors and actresses choosing which role we want to play.

Perhaps it is time to step out of our comfort zones, to embrace the other side of us. 

For the strong, to release their armour. 

For the happy, to relax their smiles.

For the weak, to step out and charge forward.

For the sad, to piece together a smile with what they think are 'broken' pieces of their life.

Costume change, new script, new stage, curtain call.

It is time to show the world another you and let them embrace you. 

Big Knotted Mess

Today as I sit down to write, there are no words. 

No words to describe the ache in my heart, no words to articulate my thoughts.

It is all a big knotted mess. 

The Heart Beats On

The ache in the heart won't disperse.

The tears won't flow.

They say those without tears suffer so much more. 

At this moment as I lie down to rest a little from a sleepless night, I heard and felt my heart beating steady and strong. And I know though I'm hurting, I am alive and well. The heart is not broken, it is beating still. It is just temporarily in pain. 

4 Strikes to the Core

The big wide world, the small person.

4 strikes to the core. How much longer will it hold.

The pulling pain, the desperate need to hold it up. 

Will we ever make sense of the universe?Nothing but a passerby in this world?

At the end, what matters? 

Be Still

It has been a long time since I've blogged. With the recent emotional madness and spiritual & physical fatigue, many thoughts have been banging around in my head that I need an outlet to try and pen them down coherently.

Be still.

Today I am attempting to be a human being instead of a human doing.

Stillness rejuvenates me but recently stillness scares me. It forces me to face the emotional lows & thoughts running through my body. Being still makes me acknowledge who/how I truly am instead of who/how I want to be.

I've been bustling around, surrounding myself with people though it wears me out because then I don't have to think. Drowning my inner thoughts with external noise.

I thought if I am able to convince my head, the heart too will believe.

But if you have ever been to the dentist,  you will know that even plugging earphones in won't drown out the noises coming from inside of you. In the little moment of stillness when walking to class today, the emotions threaten to overwhelm me. 

Maybe it's time to fight restlessness with stillness.

I can only hope it works because I am tired of this split in personalities. Of smiling on the outside but oh so tired on the inside. 

Be still my mind, soul and body.

Be still and heal.

*dust dust*

it has been a long time since any entry was entered here. testing out the androblog app on my phone. test test.