Will I break and still be anchored in the hope of God or will I sink into despair?
Then this thought came...
The reason why I always seem to be struggling and that trials are getting more and more difficult is because it's getting harder to break me. I don't even know if that's a good thing or not. I guess it means I am strong in a sense but does it also mean I rely too heavily on my human nature and what I can do? Oh Lord, please let me be so attuned to you and the promptings of the Holy Spirit. I got reminded of what my grandmother told me when I was young. She related that whenever my father was disciplined as a kid, he bottled everything inside and refused to cry or breakdown even when caned. The more he bottled it up and forced himself not to cry, the harder my grandparents hit him till the point he broke and cried. The reason I was told was because it wasn't healthy for him to put up a strong front and bottle everything in. They had to force him to breakdown to let it out. Is that what God is doing too? It hurts Him to challenge me over and over everyday, but for my own good, I have to be pushed to the point where I break?
Is it wrong to have perseverance? Where is the line between preserving and just being stubborn? How do I know if I am striving on believing I can do it in the Lord or just pushing on because I need to prove my human self?
